What Love Is This?

Below is a journal entry from months back that I finally got the nerve to share in hopes it will speak to someone. After all, this blog was created as a place of transparency...

Where to even begin, I don't know. My character, witness, strength and mere being have been tested in new ways I didn't even know were possible. While I thank God for my eyes being opened to new understandings and teaching me so many things quite valuable for life on this earth, I do not walk away unscathed and most certainly am disappointed with myself. I know I cannot change the past but rather use it to strengthen myself and let it be a reminder for future circumstances.
 
I always thought of myself, in the last 10 years at least, as a quiet, observant girl with a whole lot of passion. In the right place and time that ball of fire can be explosive. When I'm excited, passionate, determined to tell truth and understandings I've come across it pours from me with enthusiasm and desperation that some may never known was humanly possible. That being said, no matter how much flame you produce you cannot make a person understand. You cannot make a person believe. You can only pray that the Holy Spirit work within those on the receiving end of your passionate exhibition.

 I think, no, I know, this is one of the most frustrating things to me. I have the Truth. I've even walked through experiences that have revealed things to me and even then, people just don't get what you're trying to save them from or teach them, for that matter. 

 Imagine the perfect patience God has. He sees his children walking day to day on this earth with truth right before their faces, trials brought about to teach them new things, constantly speaking to them and yet they ignore it and continue to attempt being self-sufficient. All the while, God keeps reaching out to guide them back to him. What love is this?

 We live in a dark and terrifying world. A place where living right is viewed as wrong and even pointless.  Everything is twisted. The keyword in everyone's vocabulary is tolerance and innocence is seen as ignorance. Friends, if the Holy Spirit resides in you this weighs heavy on your shoulders and the mere contemplation of the world in this state breaks your heart. It brings me mental, physical and emotional pain. My eyes fill with tears and my core genuinely aches over these things. I am not even close to being perfect- I know truth but too often stray. I think that's even more of a reason I hurt so easily over this fallen earth; I know that we were not created for such a world as this. 

Recently, the center of who I am was tested... multiple times. I am ashamed that I let the Lord down on more than one occasion but thankful for the clear path God provided me for a way out literally three days after I prayed for just that. (Funny how you think there's only a way out when you ask... truth is, it's always there we just choose not to see it). You see, you may wander, question, fight or refuse the right way from time to time but God.... he never leaves. What love is this?

 This was the first seriously trying time for my faith; as in, why I believe the things I do. I was questioned and challenged, debated and even yelled at. I took all of it as lovingly as possible with one thought in mind: if I just keep loving and living the truth, never back down and speak everything in understanding and love,  then I pray that will be enough. Living the life we Christians are called to is one of the most difficult things. Not only is it misunderstood but it is ridiculed and often held to impossible standards. And try explaining to someone why you live the way you do... " because I know this is how God intends things to be" is not a valid nor satisfying answer in their opinions.

 The life I try to lead is one of loneliness and exhaustion much of the time. Finding support from others is near impossible and being cut down and mocked is tiresome beyond belief. But we are not to feel comfortable in this world because this is not where we belong and I take comfort in knowing God simply looks down and tells me, "press on, my beloved". I've been fortunate enough to have Melissa and Leah as mentors and friends each in their own ways over the years. What a blessing that has been. 

 I visited home this weekend and we had a guest pastor speak. The Lord gave him the sermon for me. He spoke of 1 Timothy 4. It was on not neglecting gifts and to preach life, love and purity as to save yourself and others. Perseverance no matter what.

 Vs 11-16

Obviously several things about this stick out for me. Some of the biggest things are how we should watch our doctrine closely. This is so relevant to me as of late because how easy wrong doctrine can quickly lead us into sin and heresy. Especially when you have someone close to you trying to alter your doctrine to benefit them and their lifestyle. The other key thing here for me is perseverance in living an example of my faith in life, love, faith, speech and purity. I remember in Genesis studying Cain and Abel. In chapter 4 verse 76 it says "if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it". We must master the temptation to be anything other than what Paul was telling Timothy.

CS Lewis said "there are a dozen views about everything until you know the answer. Then there is never more than one".

 I know the answers. God shows us the answers. Therefore we know the right way and to disobey that would be a sin. We read about that in James 4:13-16. We have the knowledge of good and right and because of that we are held to a higher standard... a standard of obedience.

 Father, help me continue on with your strength. Continue to mend me. Help my life to be a witness to others.

Romans 8:37-39  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 63:3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you
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What Love Is This? -Kari Jobe